When the Leaves Begin to Turn...

 Originally I wanted to write an article about the different trees that add color to our area when we enter fall. We are still going to share those with you, but I wanted to take a little different approach to this article for the newsletter. 

When the leaves begin to turn, what comes with it is a fresh, crisp, and relieving excitement. Change is coming, and it is welcomed and beautiful. This has been one interesting year, so far. I think we have all, one way or another, felt like we were building the train, as we were driving it down the tracks. We will be forever changed by this year. We will look at healthcare, health, education, gatherings, small business, fundraising, our investments.......with EVERYTHING we will take pause and look at it a little differently. 

The trees withstand season after season after season. Some years are better than others. 

The blessings that I believe we MUST acknowledge (like the beautiful palette of autumn leaves) is that: everyone has had to think of new and creative ways to manage the shift. Yes, there have been many hard times and hard things this year, but there has also been opportunity to create, re-create, enhance, pivot, & EXPLORE new ways of living our best life. We are in a shift & we can appreciate the beauty of what was gained and look forward to when the leaves turn again and the flowers start to bloom. 

This year fall reminds me that we are in a season. God created this world to have seasons. The old way passes  are in a season where change has happened, but it has happened to us all. Collectively

Visually, my favorite time of year is the fall. I think about God's creation and how He has created this amazing & intricate design. g

Faith Without Works is Dead - James 2:26

 What a journey..... You know, I'm about to do this thing. I've done it once before. I am embarking on a journey where I know little about how to get there or what I will find along the way. 

Hmm :). It has been quite the wrestle for me to get here. I've learned that Bucking Up! & doing something...creating something, will also lead to you finding the courage to Buck Up! & turn it loose....turn parts of it loose. Flow......

I'm not going to pretend that the last little bit of life hasn't been hard at moments....it was....REAL hard, but it has also been FULL and grEAT & enriching. 

Sometimes, I catch myself pondering if it actually had to be as hard as it has been at times, but....it makes it matter. It is truly like putting something in the fire, beating on it, and building and measuring it's strength. 

Gosh....there are things I know now....I've known (but doubted myself (SO much)) that people just can't take away.....and maybe.....may never really be able to understand. They are for me, because I've done it. I've walked it. I've built it. I've lived it. I've tweaked it and changed it and rebuilt it. I've tried new things. Had moments of failure and successes. I've helped a lot of people. I've taught a lot of people a variety of things. Yes....I have experienced: self doubt, lack of faith, wasted time, money, & energy, compromise, deceit, lies, verbal abuse, confusion, relationship tainting, miscommunication, disruption, abandonment, theft, info hoarding, mismanagement, disloyalty, repairing of relationships, regret, slander, confusion, uncertainty, doubt, betrayal, my time, talents, and energy squandered, let-down, full hope and empty hope....all leading me to the next adventure. 

Now....I start out different. I'm happy, BLESSED, and thankful for what I know now. The luggage I can bring with me this time......BUT ONLY WHAT I NEED. In all the traveling since my last adventure; I've learned that I prefer to travel light. 

You all might see some changes in me. There are things I will still HOPE for, but not much :). I'll hope in my plan because I know who I've consulted with. I'll hope in my family because I believe in them and us. I'll hope in Jesus, God, & The Holy Spirit because I KNOW what they are capable of. The journey has taught me a few things....and you can take this to the bank: "...faith without works is dead..." James 2:26. This verse may sum up the biggest lesson I NEEDED regarding self-worth, discerning who I am called to help and who I am not, how to actually care for and value myself and protect and reserve myself for those that He calls me to. 

The journey has also taught me to think bigger, with a bird's eye view.....or BIGGER. It's taught me to watch out for "limits" because there are none. It's taught me to REALLY pay attention to what brings me and others around me JOY.....real joy.....not joy from striving and trying.....relaxed, limitless, free-flowing joy. 

I am not going to spend my time HOPING with any of you. No offense, but life is short and I don't want to get caught up in your "I don't knows" and "I'm not sures," and your "I need help-but don't want to listen mentalities." I want to work with people that want the help and will do the work to get it. In EVERYTHING I do, it takes W - O - R - K to bring it to fruition. 

Untethered Thoughts from a Thinker

 Does anyone else just think? Like spend any amount of spare or quiet time, lost in thought? 

As I sit here typing this, I could be asleep. I could do what I actually stayed up to do & now I have over thought myself into the here and now. I could either capture the little mind urchins, that agitate me & hand them over to Jesus or....ignore them completely.....which I am clearly not good at. 

This ENTIRE day I have felt this nag of something other than what I am doing. I have done all the things that I think should be done today (besides the one thing that I have over thought into....still today, but a tomorrow share.) So....I chose to take to writing. 

It intrigues me how we can see the need for so much improvement, at the same time we witness the blessed fruits of progress. Seems....oximoronical....if that is a word...but it's legit. I feel like it is my daily life. The two do co-exist. 

The purpose of me writing today, is to attempt to satisfy the nagging feeling of doing something other than what I have spent my day doing. To feel some sort of....release, confirmation, satisfaction...............................................and maybe to just see the response, if there is a response. I'm really good either way. More curious.......and vulnerable-feeling, than anything. 

This, pretty clearly, is a brain-dump in blog form. It's like the "stuff" around all the practical thoughts swirling around and the remnants of.....untethered, open, free-flowing thought. 

In some circles....people may be concerned for me. In other circles...."intrigued" would be a more accurate word. In another, a complete openness to experience all of whatever this is (lol :))....and to yet another....squirrelly....maybe even avoidable squirrelly. 

This seems like quite an odd entry to share. The unsatisfied feeling of today is also a little odd. 

Benefits of Sharing: Others identify with it. It helps someone. It makes someone feel less weird. It satisfies the nag. It opens up a door, I never knew existed. 

Reasons not to Share: People will think I'm weird. People will think I'm off. Opens myself up for judgement.

Ya'll?!

I know I can't be the only person in the world that has moments of feeling absolutely bonkers...... maybe one of the few that will admit it and write about it. It really has me pondering mental health....not mental illness.....mental health. It also has me meditating on what Jesus may have gone through when He was tempted by the devil for 40 days and nights. 

What I seem to go to/stick with.....are the 3 ways satan tested Jesus and His responses. I hadn't thought much on the in between until this week. You know.....the in between had to suck! I think Jesus had to have had, at least, one day where He was lost. He didn't know the "right" move. He felt like His sole purpose that day was to be the whipping boy. 

FORTY DAYS of highs and lows, hunger and thirst, sleep and torment, testing and faith. It really helped me to meditate on this yesterday. If it helps one of you out there to know that there is another person out there that really has it together sometimes and is REALLY lost in the wilderness sometimes.....then so be it. 

Growing up and having a business in a small town feels like you are putting your crazy on display sometimes. It's not "crazy." It is the wilderness. There is no conformity in the wilderness. I like to color outside the lines, but sometimes the wilderness gets to be too much for me too. So much so.....that I'd welcome a little conformity. 

I tell you.....if ya'll could see all the thoughts and ideas that roll through my head, you would NEVER be short of entertainment and probably have a hard time following the storyline.

The truth is.....I feel like I've been out here in the wilderness for longer than 40 days and nights. I kind of feel like I might check in for a time, then check back out......and seem to check right back in without even realizing it. 

I've gotten to a point where I know God is moving, but I don't really know how and some of it....I just need to get out of me. To share it......I'm not even sure if I need to for myself or others....maybe both. 

I started typing out all the things that troubled me yesterday and I had to delete it, because the pressure building in my chest was not the intent of the message.

The intent is.....try to be patient enough to allow the Jesus things to rise to the top. It can take awhile.....maybe even the whole day, but do what you can, as they rise.....then do them. 

If I could explain one thing to others - that I believe would make a difference in the way we treat each other; it would be to engage. Talk to people. Let them know you see them. We all handle our mental stuff differently and the ways can be so different. Sometimes we hibernate/hide from people. Sometimes we scream. Sometimes we lash out, project, get angry and show it. Sometimes we cry. We cry dilirious cries, mad cries, confused cries, overwhelmed cries, not-sure-why-I'm-crying cries. We can be testy OR overly happy......just to crash later. Some of us coast on adrenaline highs, until we crash. Some of us hold on too tight for too long, until everything explodes out and it takes longer for the mess to dry up. 

We are all this walking bundle of energy hoping we are making the right choices when we make them, are too exhausted to make them and choose to ride the wave of others decisions, or are constantly weighing decisions already made. 

Training Ground

 This blog will be about getting where I'm going. The lessons have to take place somewhere and people must witness our imperfections. Lately, I've been reflecting on what has gotten me here. 

I think about one of my other titles....Mom.  Kyle and I just had a conversation with our 3 kids. They like to ask questions about each other like...."What was Kylee like as a baby?" "Was Hunter as chunky as Heath was?" Somehow we got on the subject of Kylee being the oldest and she asked why we did something and Kyle said...LOL "You were the first one. We didn't know what we were doing." 

As we enter different stages of our lives we NEED a training ground. As I make an attempt at relating the two and try to truly capture how GRATEFUL I am for my training grounds, hang with me. I hope this allows you all to have some nostalgic moments FULL of gratefulness for YOUR journey. 

I remember when I was teetering on the idea of building my own business, having the flexibility to buILD the life I envisioned for myself and my family, knocking some barriers down - that were in my way and weighing every. single. thing. I mean....EVERYTHING. 

One of the things that hung me up for awhile was that, up until that point, I had prided myself on my quality of work and I KNEW I would not have the background support....you know, like an accounting department, production department, HR department, like I was used to. I also had never done, what I was getting ready to do so.....I was going in with as much education as I could gather, before beginning the journey blind...and taking others with me. What I mean by that is minimal experience. I had my life experiences on the periphreal of the actual nuts and bolts of the business, but no REAL boots on the ground experience. I had experience within departments of PART of the business. Because I am a person that puts the work in, I had to make damn sure - this JOURNEY I was getting ready to take everyone on was a long-term plan and that I was up for a long adventure. I feel like that again, but that's all that seems familiar. I feel like the next leg of the journey could go several different ways. I also know that it could go different directions than what I'm even aware of, because well....our God is BIG. 

All the feels of this space are so familiar. Imagine.....uncertainty...excitement....motivation...fear of acting....holding onto what I know - instead of just acting.... I know God is always right on time and I can't mess it up, but I always find myself thinking I am missing some sort of CLEAR message and I am getting in my own way. 

I digress....

As parents, we are to "raise our children in the way they should go, so they do not stray from it." Each one of our children have very unique traits and characteristics and God took into account Kyle and I being first time parents, when he blessed us with Kylee. He knew we had what it took to have a second child, change careers, and move home & form an LLC....all at the same time. He also knew that another human needed all of what all four of us could give him. As I reflect on the environments we were in with each three....I'm in awe of Him. 

God KNOWS how I think....and think....and overthink. He provided an opportunity for me to EXPLORE. When I talked to Kyle about it, he was open to it.......and ALL the things had to happen in our lives for him to be open to it. What a wonderful training ground He took us to in Rockport. Three and a half hours from home. He removed distractions and allowed us to focus on us and become who He was calling us to. 

As I sit here typing, and being more aware of the things The Good Lord is calling me to do. I see the last 12 or so years of my life as yet, another training ground. One where people had to witness my growth, the growth of my family, the growth of my faith, the successes, the perceived failures, the way in which I move in between them. Just like I was thankful for my Rockport training ground. I am thankful for this one. This one had a few more dips and curves and peaks and valleys. Now, He is calling US to more. We don't know PRECISELY what it is, but He is and we will find out along the way. 

We all have our training ground, and I have come to believe that God may have multiple purposes for us. OBEDIENCE....EXPLORATION....TRUST....FAITH....COURAGE....PERSEVERANCE... When you BUCK UP BABY & RIDE WITH JESUS it takes all of those things. You best, put them in your saddle bags. 

One of the missions God has for me is simply, sharing my story and sharing my faith, with the hope and intention that it will ENCOURAGE someone else to get to know Jesus. This blog itself, is yet another training ground, where I get to use all the tools in bold above. When you make the choice and saddle up...you will experience it ALL. Your life will be FULL....abundant even. There will be cold, exhausting nights, where you are too broke (in a variety of ways) to do anything but rest....in the cold. Then....He will pick you up out of it and you will be stronger and smarter and better prepared for the next part of the journey.....and it will be an ADVENTURE you would never, ever trade. 

Yes....people will come and go, in and out of your life....and it will HURT. It will bring you grief and sadness and turmoil, but only for a short while. You see, God loves them too. He is teaching them something, just as He's teaching you something. He WILL reward your obedience....small acts, large acts, and continual acts. 

I encourage anyone reading to just sit with Him, even for a few brief moments. Let HIM speak to you, however He chooses and be receptive to hearing Him. Then....in His perfect timing, Buck Up Baby & Ride With Jesus!