Ya'll?!

I know I can't be the only person in the world that has moments of feeling absolutely bonkers...... maybe one of the few that will admit it and write about it. It really has me pondering mental health....not mental illness.....mental health. It also has me meditating on what Jesus may have gone through when He was tempted by the devil for 40 days and nights. 

What I seem to go to/stick with.....are the 3 ways satan tested Jesus and His responses. I hadn't thought much on the in between until this week. You know.....the in between had to suck! I think Jesus had to have had, at least, one day where He was lost. He didn't know the "right" move. He felt like His sole purpose that day was to be the whipping boy. 

FORTY DAYS of highs and lows, hunger and thirst, sleep and torment, testing and faith. It really helped me to meditate on this yesterday. If it helps one of you out there to know that there is another person out there that really has it together sometimes and is REALLY lost in the wilderness sometimes.....then so be it. 

Growing up and having a business in a small town feels like you are putting your crazy on display sometimes. It's not "crazy." It is the wilderness. There is no conformity in the wilderness. I like to color outside the lines, but sometimes the wilderness gets to be too much for me too. So much so.....that I'd welcome a little conformity. 

I tell you.....if ya'll could see all the thoughts and ideas that roll through my head, you would NEVER be short of entertainment and probably have a hard time following the storyline.

The truth is.....I feel like I've been out here in the wilderness for longer than 40 days and nights. I kind of feel like I might check in for a time, then check back out......and seem to check right back in without even realizing it. 

I've gotten to a point where I know God is moving, but I don't really know how and some of it....I just need to get out of me. To share it......I'm not even sure if I need to for myself or others....maybe both. 

I started typing out all the things that troubled me yesterday and I had to delete it, because the pressure building in my chest was not the intent of the message.

The intent is.....try to be patient enough to allow the Jesus things to rise to the top. It can take awhile.....maybe even the whole day, but do what you can, as they rise.....then do them. 

If I could explain one thing to others - that I believe would make a difference in the way we treat each other; it would be to engage. Talk to people. Let them know you see them. We all handle our mental stuff differently and the ways can be so different. Sometimes we hibernate/hide from people. Sometimes we scream. Sometimes we lash out, project, get angry and show it. Sometimes we cry. We cry dilirious cries, mad cries, confused cries, overwhelmed cries, not-sure-why-I'm-crying cries. We can be testy OR overly happy......just to crash later. Some of us coast on adrenaline highs, until we crash. Some of us hold on too tight for too long, until everything explodes out and it takes longer for the mess to dry up. 

We are all this walking bundle of energy hoping we are making the right choices when we make them, are too exhausted to make them and choose to ride the wave of others decisions, or are constantly weighing decisions already made. 

Power in Words & Deeds

 There is power in your words and even more power in your actions. In almost every situation, every decision that has to be made you have the power...yes YOU have the power to either encourage, enhance, motivate and show kindness OR partner with the enemy and seek to steal, kill, & destroy (John 10:10). It really is that simple. If that decision is grounded in the love of the Father, it will be LIFE-GIVING. 

Review your day.... Think about decisions you made: conversations you had, speaking without considering how the other person may receive it, posting something, not communicating an important update.... What were they grounded in?: love, hope, faith, or fear, anger, self-seeking desire, money... Think about it folks. 

There are a lot of people that have done and said and posted things lately and I'm not so sure they understand the POWER of their words and/or actions. Stop telling people what they should do, how they should do it, using people, manipulating people and situations and think that you have the authority to do it! GOD gives each and every one of us free-will and we should do the same for each other. 

You are either dividing or bringing together. You are either encouraging out of love, out of fear, or out of selfish motives. Love the people you want to love on and leave everyone else alone. 

When you operate in a place of fear, anger, money, jealousy, self-seeking desires.....you are partnering with the enemy. You are allowing the enemy to use you. 

Have you guys seen what's going on in the world???? Nobody's got time for that. There is plenty of hate and fear in the world right now. Buck Up & GET. IT. TOGETHER. 

For real....we all have many, many choices every single day. Choose who you want to work with (Jesus or Satan). Your decisions show your heart. The wonderful, wonderful, BEAUTIFUL gift God has given us in Jesus, not only gives us power, but also gives us the blessed gift of FORGIVENESS! Did you make a decision rooted in sin? Guess what......turn your heart to Jesus, repent, & it is TOTALLY FORGIVEN! WIPED CLEAN!!! If you get bucked off....BUCK UP BABY & RIDE WITH JESUS! He will get you back in the saddle over and over and over again.....as many times as you need to build  YOUR trust in Him. 

Rhythm

About half way through last week I realized I had gotten out of rhythm. Let's be honest, we are all a little out of rhythm with our "normal" being interrupted. I noticed the NEW rhythm was off.

My husband works shift work and I am SUPER grateful that his position is still essential, but getting used to his shift schedule was an adjustment. I felt like I was finally getting into a rhythm with it & THEN.....Covid-19.

I learned that things are relatively consistent when he's off or working days, but those night runs.... The effect it has on me is....I wear myself out the first couple days & then I FINALLY pick my head up and realize that I can't do the same amount of work those days as I do others. I'm not saying that is how it works for everyone, but that is what it's like for me.

Then....what I felt like I was FINALLY getting a handle on was: not completely loading my workdays up on Kyle's off days. That was a bad habit I picked up, but not on purpose.....just trying to balance my workflow.

I really had to be a student of it for several months before I learned these things & then....many times...I'd get halfway through a night run before I realized it.

I bring all this up because we are such creatures of habit. The Covid-19 pandemic has rocked EVERY habit, every schedule, every process, every rhythm....

Even the things that SEEM to have not changed, have changed, because EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. HAS. CHANGED.....which changes the rhythm.

There is something about the awareness I have of the rhythm and the constant struggle I find myself in to maintain the rhythm....when really.....EVERYTHING around me is trying to knock me out of rhythm...that is sticking with me.

I believe SO strongly in Christ....as much as I possibly can & know how to....and I believe there is SO much divine power, in taking what the world sees or perceives & turning it on its end....like the cross. The cross was meant for death & destruction & suffering & punishment & JESUS turned it into LIFE, REDEMPTION, HEALING, & ABUNDANT LOVE & BLESSINGS. Our God colors outside the lines...OR He sees lines that we cannot.

I just finished a meditation course on acceptance. 10 minutes of meditation for 10 days. The words "LET GO" keep coming to mind. The main lesson was: identify what you are resisting & do simply that...IDENTIFY IT & watch how identifying the resistance automatically causes you to accept it.

Listen....with a combination of ALL kinds of things that have been happening & spending SO. MUCH. TIME. trying to create a rhythm....and I mean trying; to the point of wearing myself out.... I think I'm going to BUCK UP & LET GO.

In rhythm or out of rhythm....something is gonna happen. For once it is "okay" to not be what others expect you to be OR what you expect yourself to be. It's okay if you are, but its also okay if you're not....because we are ALL trying to figure it out. You wouldn't think that accepting is as hard as it is. In fact, it doesn't really make ANY sense to TRY & create a system....we should just allow it; let it flow from us and trust that we are equipped to handle what comes next & not try to plan for a future calamity, but more for the here and now. ENJOY IT. What can we each do here & now?

Accept the Compliment

Just over a year ago, I was sitting in a class at the National Auctioneer Association Designation Academy. This particular class was not one where I would have the opportunity to earn a designation, but, by doing the work, I earned A LOT more. It is like getting a gift that keeps on giving.

The class is called Interpersonal Communications & everything is pretty top secret. That being said, I had a personal experience in that class that....truly, until the last couple days, I didn't really understand. I didn't know how to handle it & it became BLATANTLY obvious in the class. I did not know how to accept a compliment.

Our Interpersonal Communications Class

I am not claiming to fully understand the complexities of ME, but....again, it's like the gift that keeps on giving....I see a little more.

I can't remember the exercise, but I can remember my dear, dear friend Suzanne giving me one of the most sincere compliments I have maybe ever been given. If you knew my friend Suz you may describe her as the heart emoji on Facebook, where the hearts are just beaming and shooting EVERYWHERE. Well picture me as Princess Leia on Star Wars shooting those hearts with laser beams. I mean...I was trying to go every which way, in any direction I could, physically with my mannerisms, mentally & emotionally....forget it! I don't even know where I was going.....just out of there. The teacher made me sit there and accept it.

Suz & myself in Vegas. 

Here's the thing; It wasn't like I didn't want it or like to hear it. I LOVED hearing it. The issue came when I was asked to really process it & let it all soak in.

So that led to what came next....TEARS. Tears because I was so ticked off that I could not accept her compliment. TRULY accept it...with all of me. This was a compliment.....I was & am STILL so very grateful for on SOOOO many levels. Tears because I felt like I was being chastised like a child to accept something so kind AND THAT I HAD TO BE. AY CARAMBA!

LOL! Suz was just looking at me like....😳... Not expecting my reaction at all & not really knowing what to do to help me process it. Needless to say....that day, I left exhausted going around and around and around trying to figure out what is going on with me that it triggered that sort of reaction & like all good things....I needed time.

Me, TK, & Suz having lunch during one of our breaks. 

I sit here reflecting on my life in its entirety & I have pondered some of the new choices I am implementing in my life & how it has changed me in such a short time. Since the time of this reaction I have brought into our family a precious, precious third child & I reflect on how my time management has HAD to change & how I am adapting in somewhat of a clunky manner, yet fully & completely making the space (mentally, emotionally, & physically) for this new little blessed person. I have a better appreciation of the actual time in a day....my time....my energy. AND, it is not that I didn't have an appreciation for it before, but I have a better appreciation now because I have to.

Me & my sweet Hunter

I can't believe I am putting this out here like this, BUT I had such little respect for myself that I squandered every EXTRA ounce of energy I had on being better & perfect for other people, with ABSOLUTELY no regard for myself. That being said, the thought of what neglecting myself was doing to other people around me, wasn't even on my radar

When Suz shot that SINCERE & REAL & EARNED compliment my way.... I. HAD. NO. SPACE. FOR. IT. It was like a machine short-circuiting.




I #1 had NO THOUGHT or CALCULATION in my limited capacity, so NO PLAN on how to accept it.

& #2 had never....EVER had someone hold me to the fire like that. That made me face it.

And what still blows my mind....is the "thing" I was having to face was something that was SO kind & true & real & authentic & so, so special to ONLY me.

As I type this, THIS Christmas morning.....after my midnight round of Spark, allowing me to pull an all-nighter and accomplish getting all the presents wrapped without the children seeing....yep! Still going! AAAND.... allowing me to ponder what this season is all about.

EVERY time I think about Christmas, my mind goes straight to the crucifixion. Baby Jesus came here to die for me. I have a shot because Baby Jesus loved ME enough to WILLINGLY hang on that nasty cross. 

What will I do when I'm faced with that fire? I think my reaction just over a year ago is a glimpse.

I also think of the love of Baby Jesus through the love my sweet, almost 9-month old baby shows me. He loves me ALL THE TIME: when the house is messy (which is always), when I forget things, when I mis-schedule a meeting, when I accidentally bump his head on something.... He loves me because I show up. He loves me because I'm there.  He's loves me because (no matter my mood) I have chosen to sacrifice a piece of me for him. Jesus loves us like a baby loves his momma.

"Be It Unto Me," by Liz Lemon Swindle: This is a beautiful piece, depicting Mary & Baby Jesus that was shared on Facebook. It totally grabbed me. 

Have I loved myself, like Jesus has loved me? Have I loved myself like my baby boy has loved me? So far, not. even. close.

I know that I am only dipping my toe into the water of what that reaction is really ALL about, but I share this NOW because I know there are other people out there doing this....being SUPER hard on  themselves & shortchanging themselves of the real, true love that is out there.  I also know that some people may never have an experience where it does come to the surface. God has designed me in such a way that I desire to put myself thru the ringer! Squeegee me out until there is nothing left & take me Home!

So the moral of today's story....Buck Up Baby & accept the compliment. Allowing ourselves to be open & vulnerable & soft enough to accept the love being laid on us will only strengthen our entire being and those around us. Every single person we came in contact with over the holidays is affected by the care, or lack thereof, we give ourselves. When we shortchange ourselves, we also shortchange them. All this is easier said than done, which is why I am SO glad Jesus loves us and has blessed us with The Holy Spirit to help us.

Merry Christmas to you all, my friends! May The Holy Trinity cover us with the abundant love & protection of our Father and walk with us, teaching us to love ourselves, like He loves us. In Jesus's Almighty Name. Amen.

Goodness Gracious! Thank You Jesus!

Hello Everyone!

The end of last year and the beginning of this year has been....(and still is) filled with some mental turmoil about a few important things that I have NO idea what will happen with them, where we will be, and how we will be effected. One thing that is FOR SURE is that there WILL be some sort of change....soon.

I PRAY....all the time. I say short prayers all throughout the day, but let me tell you....the devil is at work...CONSTANTLY. In 100% honesty I have been WORRYING  about the current situation I have found myself in NON-STOP. I've been praying and asking for guidance, strength, needed knowledge, etc. The one thing that I HAVE NOT been doing, is actually TRUSTING the GOOD LORD to let the HOLY SPIRIT work in my life. A beautiful ANGEL friend made me quite AWARE of this -this past weekend. Let me tell you....sometimes you need to have someone take you and SHAKE YOU!

I sent in something that would exhibit my strong interest in something that seems like it could, positively, affect our lives - and after I sent it....EVERYONE in the room PRAYED over it. My sweet friend, her sister-in-law, my sweet little girl, my husband, and myself. It was APPARENT that the HOLY SPIRIT was in that room, right there with us. We all felt it! Yet somehow... I found a way (with the devil's help) to  continue to WORRY about the situation that we just GAVE TO GOD TO HANDLE.

I'm the kind of person that likes to be PREPARED. It's important to know that I DO NOT have control over anything, EXCEPT my actions and reactions. So...I trot into my friend's sewing room and start asking her what MY next steps should be IF this doesn't happen, or if THAT happens, or what the result COULD be.

She stops me and reminds me of the prayer we just had, the presence of the HOLY SPIRIT. She flat told me....YOU NEED TO LET IT ALONE AND LET THE GOOD LORD TAKE CARE OF IT. If this situation doesn't pan out like I would like it to...that door will close and another will open. I know that. I need to act like I believe it!

Let me tell you....I had an OVERWHELMING feeling of PEACE yesterday. So much so....that it felt like something was OFF kilter. It made me realize how much WORRY was in my life. I actually stayed up until almost 11pm letting Kylee make me dinner (with her play food and kitchen). I was also able to see things a little clearer. I FOCUSED on what I DO know. The things I don't....I won't worry about.

I've also found myself on the edge of a REALLY interesting place that I always wanted to be....that place where you THROW all the WORRIES, EXPECTATIONS, what people think you HAVE to do/be to be successful OUT THE WINDOW!! (Watch out, so you don't get knocked in the head.) This has to do with ALL of life, not JUST the current situation.

Life is TOO short to WORRY about all the things that COULD be. The bottom line of it all is: What will be, will be. I need to ENJOY life and TRUST that we will be okay...no matter the outcome. I DO know that, I just have to start acting like I BELIEVE it and LIVE it.

It takes quite a bit for me to get OVERWHELMED. I was there. In ALL situations KNOW that GOD is the end all, be all, ALL-KNOWING SAVIOR of this world and YOUR world.

I want to leave you with a few quotes that have helped me rein in my thoughts a little over the past few weeks. Thank you TWITTER! GO FIND ME!!! @hdskaspar :) That would make me happy.

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase." Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

"The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty not knowing what comes next. - Ursula K. LeGuin

"Someday could be one moment away." - Disney

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." - Franklin D. Roosevelt

"I want to feel my life. I want to stop agreeing to things I don't really want." - from Living Out Loud (1998)

"Let no man pull you low enough to hate him." -Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

"Know that the pain will pass, and, when it passes, you will be stronger, happier, more sensitive and aware." - Mel Colgrove

"Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds." - Franklin D. Roosevelt

"Ambition and love are the wings to great deeds." - Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

"In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip." - Daniel L. Reardon

"Don't go through life, grow through life." - Eric Butterworth

"The most important persuasion tool you have in your entire arsenal is integrity." - Zig Ziglar

"Keep your chin up." - Disney

"Man imposes his own limitations. Don't set any." - Anthony Baily

"A man, as a general rule, owes very little to what he is born with. A man is what he makes of himself." - Alexander Graham Bell

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough." -Mae West

"Strong reasons make strong actions." - William Shakespere

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

"A little nonsense now and then is cherished by the wisest men." - Roald Dahl

"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails." -William Arthur Ward

"You cannot live your life to please others. The choice must be yours. " -Alice in Wonderland (2010)

"People may forget what you said but they'll never forget how you made them feel." - Maya Angelou

"If you can imagine it, you can achieve it; if you can dream it, you can become it. " - William Arthur Ward

I live my life with the constant thought to BUCK UP BABY!! Be aware that sometimes our RESPONSIBILITIES, FEARS, DRAMA, UNCERTAINTY...can CONSUME us - before we even know it. Stay steadfast in PRAYER and look for your ANGELS.

GOODNESS GRACIOUS, THANK YOU JESUS...for being a presence in my life and guiding me when I feel lost!... "but the path of the just is like a shining light: it advances and increases, even to the day of completion." - Proverbs 4:18

I have 2 fun (at least they are fun to me) blogs coming out this week yet. Stay tuned and thanks for reading!