The class is called Interpersonal Communications & everything is pretty top secret. That being said, I had a personal experience in that class that....truly, until the last couple days, I didn't really understand. I didn't know how to handle it & it became BLATANTLY obvious in the class. I did not know how to accept a compliment.
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| Our Interpersonal Communications Class |
I am not claiming to fully understand the complexities of ME, but....again, it's like the gift that keeps on giving....I see a little more.
I can't remember the exercise, but I can remember my dear, dear friend Suzanne giving me one of the most sincere compliments I have maybe ever been given. If you knew my friend Suz you may describe her as the heart emoji on Facebook, where the hearts are just beaming and shooting EVERYWHERE. Well picture me as Princess Leia on Star Wars shooting those hearts with laser beams. I mean...I was trying to go every which way, in any direction I could, physically with my mannerisms, mentally & emotionally....forget it! I don't even know where I was going.....just out of there. The teacher made me sit there and accept it.
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| Suz & myself in Vegas. |
Here's the thing; It wasn't like I didn't want it or like to hear it. I LOVED hearing it. The issue came when I was asked to really process it & let it all soak in.
So that led to what came next....TEARS. Tears because I was so ticked off that I could not accept her compliment. TRULY accept it...with all of me. This was a compliment.....I was & am STILL so very grateful for on SOOOO many levels. Tears because I felt like I was being chastised like a child to accept something so kind AND THAT I HAD TO BE. AY CARAMBA!
LOL! Suz was just looking at me like....😳... Not expecting my reaction at all & not really knowing what to do to help me process it. Needless to say....that day, I left exhausted going around and around and around trying to figure out what is going on with me that it triggered that sort of reaction & like all good things....I needed time.
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| Me, TK, & Suz having lunch during one of our breaks. |
I sit here reflecting on my life in its entirety & I have pondered some of the new choices I am implementing in my life & how it has changed me in such a short time. Since the time of this reaction I have brought into our family a precious, precious third child & I reflect on how my time management has HAD to change & how I am adapting in somewhat of a clunky manner, yet fully & completely making the space (mentally, emotionally, & physically) for this new little blessed person. I have a better appreciation of the actual time in a day....my time....my energy. AND, it is not that I didn't have an appreciation for it before, but I have a better appreciation now because I have to.
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| Me & my sweet Hunter |
I can't believe I am putting this out here like this, BUT I had such little respect for myself that I squandered every EXTRA ounce of energy I had on being better & perfect for other people, with ABSOLUTELY no regard for myself. That being said, the thought of what neglecting myself was doing to other people around me, wasn't even on my radar
When Suz shot that SINCERE & REAL & EARNED compliment my way.... I. HAD. NO. SPACE. FOR. IT. It was like a machine short-circuiting.
I #1 had NO THOUGHT or CALCULATION in my limited capacity, so NO PLAN on how to accept it.
& #2 had never....EVER had someone hold me to the fire like that. That made me face it.
And what still blows my mind....is the "thing" I was having to face was something that was SO kind & true & real & authentic & so, so special to ONLY me.
As I type this, THIS Christmas morning.....after my midnight round of Spark, allowing me to pull an all-nighter and accomplish getting all the presents wrapped without the children seeing....yep! Still going! AAAND.... allowing me to ponder what this season is all about.
EVERY time I think about Christmas, my mind goes straight to the crucifixion. Baby Jesus came here to die for me. I have a shot because Baby Jesus loved ME enough to WILLINGLY hang on that nasty cross.
What will I do when I'm faced with that fire? I think my reaction just over a year ago is a glimpse.
I also think of the love of Baby Jesus through the love my sweet, almost 9-month old baby shows me. He loves me ALL THE TIME: when the house is messy (which is always), when I forget things, when I mis-schedule a meeting, when I accidentally bump his head on something.... He loves me because I show up. He loves me because I'm there. He's loves me because (no matter my mood) I have chosen to sacrifice a piece of me for him. Jesus loves us like a baby loves his momma.
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I know that I am only dipping my toe into the water of what that reaction is really ALL about, but I share this NOW because I know there are other people out there doing this....being SUPER hard on themselves & shortchanging themselves of the real, true love that is out there. I also know that some people may never have an experience where it does come to the surface. God has designed me in such a way that I desire to put myself thru the ringer! Squeegee me out until there is nothing left & take me Home!
So the moral of today's story....Buck Up Baby & accept the compliment. Allowing ourselves to be open & vulnerable & soft enough to accept the love being laid on us will only strengthen our entire being and those around us. Every single person we came in contact with over the holidays is affected by the care, or lack thereof, we give ourselves. When we shortchange ourselves, we also shortchange them. All this is easier said than done, which is why I am SO glad Jesus loves us and has blessed us with The Holy Spirit to help us.
