Faith Without Works is Dead - James 2:26

 What a journey..... You know, I'm about to do this thing. I've done it once before. I am embarking on a journey where I know little about how to get there or what I will find along the way. 

Hmm :). It has been quite the wrestle for me to get here. I've learned that Bucking Up! & doing something...creating something, will also lead to you finding the courage to Buck Up! & turn it loose....turn parts of it loose. Flow......

I'm not going to pretend that the last little bit of life hasn't been hard at moments....it was....REAL hard, but it has also been FULL and grEAT & enriching. 

Sometimes, I catch myself pondering if it actually had to be as hard as it has been at times, but....it makes it matter. It is truly like putting something in the fire, beating on it, and building and measuring it's strength. 

Gosh....there are things I know now....I've known (but doubted myself (SO much)) that people just can't take away.....and maybe.....may never really be able to understand. They are for me, because I've done it. I've walked it. I've built it. I've lived it. I've tweaked it and changed it and rebuilt it. I've tried new things. Had moments of failure and successes. I've helped a lot of people. I've taught a lot of people a variety of things. Yes....I have experienced: self doubt, lack of faith, wasted time, money, & energy, compromise, deceit, lies, verbal abuse, confusion, relationship tainting, miscommunication, disruption, abandonment, theft, info hoarding, mismanagement, disloyalty, repairing of relationships, regret, slander, confusion, uncertainty, doubt, betrayal, my time, talents, and energy squandered, let-down, full hope and empty hope....all leading me to the next adventure. 

Now....I start out different. I'm happy, BLESSED, and thankful for what I know now. The luggage I can bring with me this time......BUT ONLY WHAT I NEED. In all the traveling since my last adventure; I've learned that I prefer to travel light. 

You all might see some changes in me. There are things I will still HOPE for, but not much :). I'll hope in my plan because I know who I've consulted with. I'll hope in my family because I believe in them and us. I'll hope in Jesus, God, & The Holy Spirit because I KNOW what they are capable of. The journey has taught me a few things....and you can take this to the bank: "...faith without works is dead..." James 2:26. This verse may sum up the biggest lesson I NEEDED regarding self-worth, discerning who I am called to help and who I am not, how to actually care for and value myself and protect and reserve myself for those that He calls me to. 

The journey has also taught me to think bigger, with a bird's eye view.....or BIGGER. It's taught me to watch out for "limits" because there are none. It's taught me to REALLY pay attention to what brings me and others around me JOY.....real joy.....not joy from striving and trying.....relaxed, limitless, free-flowing joy. 

I am not going to spend my time HOPING with any of you. No offense, but life is short and I don't want to get caught up in your "I don't knows" and "I'm not sures," and your "I need help-but don't want to listen mentalities." I want to work with people that want the help and will do the work to get it. In EVERYTHING I do, it takes W - O - R - K to bring it to fruition. 

Untethered Thoughts from a Thinker

 Does anyone else just think? Like spend any amount of spare or quiet time, lost in thought? 

As I sit here typing this, I could be asleep. I could do what I actually stayed up to do & now I have over thought myself into the here and now. I could either capture the little mind urchins, that agitate me & hand them over to Jesus or....ignore them completely.....which I am clearly not good at. 

This ENTIRE day I have felt this nag of something other than what I am doing. I have done all the things that I think should be done today (besides the one thing that I have over thought into....still today, but a tomorrow share.) So....I chose to take to writing. 

It intrigues me how we can see the need for so much improvement, at the same time we witness the blessed fruits of progress. Seems....oximoronical....if that is a word...but it's legit. I feel like it is my daily life. The two do co-exist. 

The purpose of me writing today, is to attempt to satisfy the nagging feeling of doing something other than what I have spent my day doing. To feel some sort of....release, confirmation, satisfaction...............................................and maybe to just see the response, if there is a response. I'm really good either way. More curious.......and vulnerable-feeling, than anything. 

This, pretty clearly, is a brain-dump in blog form. It's like the "stuff" around all the practical thoughts swirling around and the remnants of.....untethered, open, free-flowing thought. 

In some circles....people may be concerned for me. In other circles...."intrigued" would be a more accurate word. In another, a complete openness to experience all of whatever this is (lol :))....and to yet another....squirrelly....maybe even avoidable squirrelly. 

This seems like quite an odd entry to share. The unsatisfied feeling of today is also a little odd. 

Benefits of Sharing: Others identify with it. It helps someone. It makes someone feel less weird. It satisfies the nag. It opens up a door, I never knew existed. 

Reasons not to Share: People will think I'm weird. People will think I'm off. Opens myself up for judgement.

Ya'll?!

I know I can't be the only person in the world that has moments of feeling absolutely bonkers...... maybe one of the few that will admit it and write about it. It really has me pondering mental health....not mental illness.....mental health. It also has me meditating on what Jesus may have gone through when He was tempted by the devil for 40 days and nights. 

What I seem to go to/stick with.....are the 3 ways satan tested Jesus and His responses. I hadn't thought much on the in between until this week. You know.....the in between had to suck! I think Jesus had to have had, at least, one day where He was lost. He didn't know the "right" move. He felt like His sole purpose that day was to be the whipping boy. 

FORTY DAYS of highs and lows, hunger and thirst, sleep and torment, testing and faith. It really helped me to meditate on this yesterday. If it helps one of you out there to know that there is another person out there that really has it together sometimes and is REALLY lost in the wilderness sometimes.....then so be it. 

Growing up and having a business in a small town feels like you are putting your crazy on display sometimes. It's not "crazy." It is the wilderness. There is no conformity in the wilderness. I like to color outside the lines, but sometimes the wilderness gets to be too much for me too. So much so.....that I'd welcome a little conformity. 

I tell you.....if ya'll could see all the thoughts and ideas that roll through my head, you would NEVER be short of entertainment and probably have a hard time following the storyline.

The truth is.....I feel like I've been out here in the wilderness for longer than 40 days and nights. I kind of feel like I might check in for a time, then check back out......and seem to check right back in without even realizing it. 

I've gotten to a point where I know God is moving, but I don't really know how and some of it....I just need to get out of me. To share it......I'm not even sure if I need to for myself or others....maybe both. 

I started typing out all the things that troubled me yesterday and I had to delete it, because the pressure building in my chest was not the intent of the message.

The intent is.....try to be patient enough to allow the Jesus things to rise to the top. It can take awhile.....maybe even the whole day, but do what you can, as they rise.....then do them. 

If I could explain one thing to others - that I believe would make a difference in the way we treat each other; it would be to engage. Talk to people. Let them know you see them. We all handle our mental stuff differently and the ways can be so different. Sometimes we hibernate/hide from people. Sometimes we scream. Sometimes we lash out, project, get angry and show it. Sometimes we cry. We cry dilirious cries, mad cries, confused cries, overwhelmed cries, not-sure-why-I'm-crying cries. We can be testy OR overly happy......just to crash later. Some of us coast on adrenaline highs, until we crash. Some of us hold on too tight for too long, until everything explodes out and it takes longer for the mess to dry up. 

We are all this walking bundle of energy hoping we are making the right choices when we make them, are too exhausted to make them and choose to ride the wave of others decisions, or are constantly weighing decisions already made.